Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
