I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
