One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless