Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy