We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
