You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
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What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
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It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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