I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
