The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
