the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
