yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
