apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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