I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
