saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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