Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
