Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
