FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
