true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
