I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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