My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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