Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i love accidental penises.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
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Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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