I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
