I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
