So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Im just a social blackout drinker.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
