Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I checked into jail on foursquare
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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