I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
