I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
