i just wanna soil my oats bro
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
