Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
