Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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