i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
