Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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