My liver just broke up with me...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
