If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
