If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
