This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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