I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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