hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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