Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I want her autograph on my taint
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
