Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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