just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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