i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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