Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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