I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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