Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
