after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
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Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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