Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Four minutes until I can fart!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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