I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
