Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just cut my nipple shaving
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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