He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
