I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I want to fling myself into the sun
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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