hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
