my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
