as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
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Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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