Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
