Someone shit on the floor
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand Curling. That high.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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