When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
