Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
